19 Wildly Inappropriate Dirty Jokes To Make Adults Blush
Let’s be real: Dirty jokes are the best kind of jokes.
giphy.com—u/arcoDanielRebelo
“That priest is in jail now.”
—u/DavideFDP
“‘Well,’ says the guy, ‘I’ll just lick the lock first if you don’t mind.’”
—Upstate_Gooner_1972
—u/KanersButler
—u/incredibleinkpen
“The man decided, ‘What the hell, I’ll try it.’
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, ‘What?’
He heard, ‘This is the police. What’s going on down there?’ The man replied, ‘I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.’
‘Well,’ the cop answered, ‘you might as well check your brakes, too, while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.’”
—u/KongLongDong77
—u/JejePo
—u/otimnab
—u/IJerkOffToBettyWhite
—u/sylvestris1
—u/CynicalCosmologist
“Clerk: ‘How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.’
The young man smiles and says, ‘You know what? The mom is also smoking hot. I think I’ll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.’
The night of the dinner, the boy sits at the table and doesn’t say a word. After a while, his girlfriend says, ‘If I’d known you’d be so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.’
The young man replies, ‘And if I’d known your dad worked at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.’”
—u/HanzEmil
—u/xWickedIdeasx
“When she gets home, the parrot says: ‘Fuck me, a new brothel!’ The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home, the parrot says: ‘Fuck me, two new prozzies!’ The girls laugh, too.
When the dad gets home, the parrot says: ‘Fuck me, Pete. Haven’t seen you for weeks!’”
—u/BalloonCruncher
“‘Of course, child,’ the priest says. ‘What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,’ she replied.
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
Father replied, ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!’”
—u/IloveRamen99
—chipppofftheolblock
“The farmer yells, ‘You deserve it, you horny bastard!’ The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky, and whispers, ‘Shhhhhh, They’re about to land!!!’”
—u/sajinkr
“To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’
‘Oh I see,’ replied the boy pensively. ‘Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, ‘Why are there three in this package?’
The dad replies, ‘Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.’
‘Cool,’ says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’
‘Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ’two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.’
‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ’then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies:
‘Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…’”
—u/chichawap
“‘What are you doing?’ the mother exclaimed.
The daughter replied, ‘I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.’
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
‘What are you doing?!’ he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, ‘I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.’
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
‘What are you doing?’ she exclaimed.
He replied…………‘Watching the game with my son-in-law.’”
—u/warlikedisco
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How Long Should Your Penis Be? The Truth About Average Penis Size Many men worry about whether their penis is big enough, but research shows most men are actually normal. The average erect penis measures 5.1 to 5.5 inches (12.9 to 13.9 cm) long, which is smaller than many people expect because movies and porn show unrealistic sizes. What the Numbers Say About Average Size Large studies with thousands of
What Size Is Actually Considered BIG for a Man? (Real Numbers Revealed)
Here is a clearer, more reader-friendly rewrite with added data and examples. The question of what size is considered “big” for a man usually refers to penis length and girth compared to average measurements. Based on large medical studies involving thousands of men, the global average erect length is about 5.1 to 5.5 inches (13 to 14 cm), while average girth is around 4.5 to 4.8 inches (11.5 to 12.2 cm).
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